Does it kill me

Yes it does. I've been waking every night this week crying. Crying inside my dreams hard enough to wake me. Every freakin night this week. All dreams center around my girls. Each night I'm telling
them about my cancer and dying and how much I will miss them, how much I want to be with them, how much I want them to be okay, how much I want to be okay. But then we aren't and in my dream I cry hard. I don't do that in life. The dream tears wake me. Each night they wake me &  I'm crying real hard when I'm awake. And I don't know what to do. I can't fix it.

That moment

Ault Park
Under a ball of fire with dancing fairy lights and gold daggers 
there we stood in eternity's garden arms pressing our bodies so close 
nothing may slip between except our heart beat
and I felt you whisper through my life - "God, I love you"

St. James I hope you are right.

Such a good feeling

Began writing this 10/2014
Spending time with my older grandkids, I realize they know the night sky. They too have laid on the ground & starred up at the night sky in wonder. They can identify so many constellations. This makes me forever happy. Forever happy is a good feeling.

I remember taking blankets outside for my girls to lay upon & as we face upward toward the night sky ~ all we could see & all we could hear & all we could feel were, for that one moment, the exact thing ~ life. For that one moment we were so connected to this massive world, all it's mysteries & all it's delights. And mostly we were so connected to each other. Forever & ever. Forever happiness.

Love you forever,
Love you for always

releasing posts now.

Started this rant sometime back. Decided today was a good day to finish it & let it go.

This is a frankenfuckup Somehow I am supposed to miraculously be okay with balancing living & dying. Yup that's what we cancer survivors do. Yup I'll add 'balance your emotions' to my ever growing cancer list of being strong, brave, a warrior, a survivor, now a thriver & at some point a statistic.

Truth be told, and OH lordy me, I wish it had been told 8 years ago. (different rant here - wth can't peeps AKA docs, pharm companies speak straight, why all the dancing & fancy la tee da's????)
I feel like if I knew then what I know now my odds would be better.

My 7th grand baby is due to arrive in a few weeks, it's a boy! My heart melts just thinking about holding a tiny little child whose heart is so pure that it takes your breath away. And when you do regain your breath all you can smell is that baby, that close your eyes and inhale baby smell. I will lay my lips upon Sterlings cheek & inhale deeply & never ever exhale. Oh I will miss this part of my life sooooo very much.

I will miss all my grand babies. No matter if cancer gave me 1 more year or 10 it still would not be enough and still it would not be fair. I AM the mamaw, I love to be this, this is what I live for, they are my loves, my life. 

But there are no odds now, nope I lose big time. I lose life, too soon. It's all just a matter of how soon. This year, yes most likely, this month ~ next? No but my prediction is before my 8th grand baby arrives, yes I have an 8th grand baby on the way too and that just guts me to think I may never know, never hold, never smell that babies smell, never lay my lips upon their cheeks, never tell them how much I love them. It guts me more than anyone will every be able to imagine.

I have many more posts in draft, I am trying to release them all as my emotions allow. It's so hard for me to allow myself to lose control but I am trying to embrace 'feeling is healing' although reality is there is no healing for me, only death. But I am trying to be real & so this blog may get a spurt of posts that have been built up & saved to be filtered. I am ready to release them without filtering, just adding to them - or finishing them. 

YES, YES this sums it up for me...I'm a little messed up. The Grinch Tries Yoga


Letting Go

I realized tonight that although I "think" like I can let go, I can not. I am not able, capable or perhaps I'm not willing. This realization came to me as I sat in front of a towering stack of CDs that Jim & I decided to purge. I was game; "okay let's do this" I looked at each cd he was letting go of and I loaded each one onto the Mac, backed all up on the exterior drive and then put them in the discard pile. THERE! I said to myself, I CAN let go! But I did not really let go. I left the fluff, the familiar, the safety net, the stuff of being here forever that makes me sane for this day. I am not ready or able to be okay with letting go. Never have, never will. Omg such a control freak. How will I ever die? It's gonna get ugly.  How will I let ever let go? Boxes & boxes of memories. How will I ever let those go?! Can't! That would mean I'm realizing my life is at journey's end. I can't do that, not now, I'm not ready, I refuse! 


Birdy - All About You (Live)

Everyone has that "Go To" song - that song that makes you feel real inside & out. It expresses what you can not therefore making you feel complete.

Overtime life changes and so do the 'go to' songs. This is my current. I can not stop listening to it.