I realized tonight that although I "think" like I can let go, I can not. I am not able, capable or perhaps I'm not willing. This realization came to me as I sat in front of a towering stack of CDs that Jim & I decided to purge. I was game; "okay let's do this" I looked at each cd he was letting go of and I loaded each one onto the Mac, backed all up on the exterior drive and then put them in the discard pile. THERE! I said to myself, I CAN let go! But I did not really let go. I left the fluff, the familiar, the safety net, the stuff of being here forever that makes me sane for this day. I am not ready or able to be okay with letting go. Never have, never will. Omg such a control freak. How will I ever die? It's gonna get ugly. How will I let ever let go? Boxes & boxes of memories. How will I ever let those go?! Can't! That would mean I'm realizing my life is at journey's end. I can't do that, not now, I'm not ready, I refuse!