I have had the hardest time rebounding from the last scan. You who have been there knows there is real hope and then there is "HOPE" all plastic & pink & strentgh & survivors & strong & blah blah blah.
I think my soul mate Jim has finally reached his place too. It has been stressful & hard to see a light anywhere. Realistically because there is no light...I am sorry for him, as sorry as I am for myself & everyone who is being put through this by me.

This Friday I went to indiana to see my oldest (and shhh...most fave) grand girl go to her first homecoming dance. On the trip out there I also found out my youngest is having another baby boy!

I am confused by my reaction. So much heart & soulful GOOD feelings. So much Love & Joy & Hope. Then tears. The kind that can't stop. How does that happen?
Fucking bittersweet. so bittersweet.

I've never had evil thoughts about having cancer; that is to say I never wished it on any one besides myself. I figured my mother had 8 children and something bad was bound to happen to one. Angie had that horrific accident that I always felt like I was responsible for. I just remember crossing over to the pony keg & reaching out for her hand & she was at the end of the line. I reached out for her as if to say; it's safe to cross the street - but it wasn't. She is still here with us though & I think we are all better for that. I know I am. I love you Sis.

Back to the cancer & evil thing. So mom had 8 kids and 7rs or so years ago when I was first diagnosed, I was fine with these thoughts; "well statistically something has to happen to one of us" That was my attitude and I dealt with it. for real.

Now I am a grandmother of 6 and soon to be 7 beautiful grand children. I FINALLY have my first & very precious (shhh...and my fave) grandson. Coco muffin. Now comes the - WHY ME?

Now I am thinking why me. Oh it feels so bad to want someone else to have to deal with what I am, but finally I'm serously like - wtf why me???? Why not someone without so much to live for, why not an evil person, or someone who at this very moment has chosen to end their life. WHY WHY ME Dammit!! An OMG WOW really - this is not me - but now it is going to be? (so confusing)

I hope that at some point I can rebound from this last scan, that we, my hubs, my girlies, my life can rebound from this last scan. I hope that I can be awakening each morning with thoughts of "I'm living with cancer" instead of "I'm dying of cancer"

Technically it still the same, mentally I need my sanity back. Where have you gone girl?