releasing posts now.

Started this rant sometime back. Decided today was a good day to finish it & let it go.

This is a frankenfuckup Somehow I am supposed to miraculously be okay with balancing living & dying. Yup that's what we cancer survivors do. Yup I'll add 'balance your emotions' to my ever growing cancer list of being strong, brave, a warrior, a survivor, now a thriver & at some point a statistic.

Truth be told, and OH lordy me, I wish it had been told 8 years ago. (different rant here - wth can't peeps AKA docs, pharm companies speak straight, why all the dancing & fancy la tee da's????)
I feel like if I knew then what I know now my odds would be better.

My 7th grand baby is due to arrive in a few weeks, it's a boy! My heart melts just thinking about holding a tiny little child whose heart is so pure that it takes your breath away. And when you do regain your breath all you can smell is that baby, that close your eyes and inhale baby smell. I will lay my lips upon Sterlings cheek & inhale deeply & never ever exhale. Oh I will miss this part of my life sooooo very much.

I will miss all my grand babies. No matter if cancer gave me 1 more year or 10 it still would not be enough and still it would not be fair. I AM the mamaw, I love to be this, this is what I live for, they are my loves, my life. 

But there are no odds now, nope I lose big time. I lose life, too soon. It's all just a matter of how soon. This year, yes most likely, this month ~ next? No but my prediction is before my 8th grand baby arrives, yes I have an 8th grand baby on the way too and that just guts me to think I may never know, never hold, never smell that babies smell, never lay my lips upon their cheeks, never tell them how much I love them. It guts me more than anyone will every be able to imagine.

I have many more posts in draft, I am trying to release them all as my emotions allow. It's so hard for me to allow myself to lose control but I am trying to embrace 'feeling is healing' although reality is there is no healing for me, only death. But I am trying to be real & so this blog may get a spurt of posts that have been built up & saved to be filtered. I am ready to release them without filtering, just adding to them - or finishing them. 

rumblings

I began this in a couple of years ago and saved in draft at that time. I can not say where this post may have went had I finished it but I don't want to let it die:

 "Crocodile tears roll down into my ears. I lie in bed saddened that my mom does not know her oldest great grand daughter. Sad & mad that we picked a name like 'GG' to try to have her accept that she is a great grand mother and has a beautiful 13 year old great grand daughter."

Fast forward to 2014 and life has rolled on for all. These feelings have not so much. It sure feels like many more emotions are attaching to the singular thought of a woman who does not know her great grandchildren. It angers me more since my life is shortened.

One day I will finish this post or perhaps start anew. When I do I have no doubt crocodile tears will roll down. Of that I am certain.