Does it kill me

Yes it does. I've been waking every night this week crying. Crying inside my dreams hard enough to wake me. Every freakin night this week. All dreams center around my girls. Each night I'm telling

them about my cancer and dying and how much I will miss them, how much I want to be with them, how much I want them to be okay, how much I want to be okay. But then we aren't and in my dream I cry hard. I don't do that in life. The dream tears wake me. Each night they wake me &  I'm crying real hard when I'm awake. And I don't know what to do. I can't fix it.

Such a good feeling

Began writing this 10/2014
Spending time with my older grandkids, I realize they know the night sky. They too have laid on the ground & starred up at the night sky in wonder. They can identify so many constellations. This makes me forever happy. Forever happy is a good feeling.

I remember taking blankets outside for my girls to lay upon & as we face upward toward the night sky ~ all we could see & all we could hear & all we could feel were, for that one moment, the exact thing ~ life. For that one moment we were so connected to this massive world, all it's mysteries & all it's delights. And mostly we were so connected to each other. Forever & ever. Forever happiness.

Love you forever,
Love you for always
wamhas
Mom

releasing posts now.

Started this rant sometime back. Decided today was a good day to finish it & let it go.

This is a frankenfuckup Somehow I am supposed to miraculously be okay with balancing living & dying. Yup that's what we cancer survivors do. Yup I'll add 'balance your emotions' to my ever growing cancer list of being strong, brave, a warrior, a survivor, now a thriver & at some point a statistic.

Truth be told, and OH lordy me, I wish it had been told 8 years ago. (different rant here - wth can't peeps AKA docs, pharm companies speak straight, why all the dancing & fancy la tee da's????)
I feel like if I knew then what I know now my odds would be better.

My 7th grand baby is due to arrive in a few weeks, it's a boy! My heart melts just thinking about holding a tiny little child whose heart is so pure that it takes your breath away. And when you do regain your breath all you can smell is that baby, that close your eyes and inhale baby smell. I will lay my lips upon Sterlings cheek & inhale deeply & never ever exhale. Oh I will miss this part of my life sooooo very much.

I will miss all my grand babies. No matter if cancer gave me 1 more year or 10 it still would not be enough and still it would not be fair. I AM the mamaw, I love to be this, this is what I live for, they are my loves, my life. 

But there are no odds now, nope I lose big time. I lose life, too soon. It's all just a matter of how soon. This year, yes most likely, this month ~ next? No but my prediction is before my 8th grand baby arrives, yes I have an 8th grand baby on the way too and that just guts me to think I may never know, never hold, never smell that babies smell, never lay my lips upon their cheeks, never tell them how much I love them. It guts me more than anyone will every be able to imagine.

I have many more posts in draft, I am trying to release them all as my emotions allow. It's so hard for me to allow myself to lose control but I am trying to embrace 'feeling is healing' although reality is there is no healing for me, only death. But I am trying to be real & so this blog may get a spurt of posts that have been built up & saved to be filtered. I am ready to release them without filtering, just adding to them - or finishing them. 

rebound?

I have had the hardest time rebounding from the last scan. You who have been there knows there is real hope and then there is "HOPE" all plastic & pink & strentgh & survivors & strong & blah blah blah.
I think my soul mate Jim has finally reached his place too. It has been stressful & hard to see a light anywhere. Realistically because there is no light...I am sorry for him, as sorry as I am for myself & everyone who is being put through this by me.

This Friday I went to indiana to see my oldest (and shhh...most fave) grand girl go to her first homecoming dance. On the trip out there I also found out my youngest is having another baby boy!

I am confused by my reaction. So much heart & soulful GOOD feelings. So much Love & Joy & Hope. Then tears. The kind that can't stop. How does that happen?
Fucking bittersweet. so bittersweet.

I've never had evil thoughts about having cancer; that is to say I never wished it on any one besides myself. I figured my mother had 8 children and something bad was bound to happen to one. Angie had that horrific accident that I always felt like I was responsible for. I just remember crossing over to the pony keg & reaching out for her hand & she was at the end of the line. I reached out for her as if to say; it's safe to cross the street - but it wasn't. She is still here with us though & I think we are all better for that. I know I am. I love you Sis.

Back to the cancer & evil thing. So mom had 8 kids and 7rs or so years ago when I was first diagnosed, I was fine with these thoughts; "well statistically something has to happen to one of us" That was my attitude and I dealt with it. for real.

Now I am a grandmother of 6 and soon to be 7 beautiful grand children. I FINALLY have my first & very precious (shhh...and my fave) grandson. Coco muffin. Now comes the - WHY ME?

Now I am thinking why me. Oh it feels so bad to want someone else to have to deal with what I am, but finally I'm serously like - wtf why me???? Why not someone without so much to live for, why not an evil person, or someone who at this very moment has chosen to end their life. WHY WHY ME Dammit!! An OMG WOW really - this is not me - but now it is going to be? (so confusing)

I hope that at some point I can rebound from this last scan, that we, my hubs, my girlies, my life can rebound from this last scan. I hope that I can be awakening each morning with thoughts of "I'm living with cancer" instead of "I'm dying of cancer"

Technically it still the same, mentally I need my sanity back. Where have you gone girl? 

The new journey to the end of my life. That sucks big (wonking wangy dangy how many cuss words can I fit in here) ones.

This may be what I rename this blog. Life has taken a turn for me, a big of fucking bad ass captain breast cancer part 2 defeatous and kill me now turn.

My ramblings, photos and such were never terribly cheery - but never too wretched and imo sometimes pure beauty.

But now comes the raw real emotions that include the gloom & doom on bad days.
Some sure to be precious to me only moments, photos, idioms, whimsical insights. etc. on the good days. And let's throw in some panicked shortened lifetime chatterings just for fun. 
Disclaimer: There will be attempts at humor, sometimes very funny - relax and LOL! Humor is always good to hide behind. I even fool me! Guess that's kinda good...

As I write this post my brother Steve calls and I can not answer the phone as I will fall to bits, not just a hundred little puzzle pieces that my grand child's smile or a hug could piece me back together with.

I would shattered into a million pieces each so splintered that it would be painful to both parties to piece me back together. So I do not answer the phone. I can not answer as you see - Steve, my big bro who I adore...his wife, his life is in a very similar space as mine & Jim's.

I love you Steve & Lori. Let's hang onto life & until it's time to let go.